by jeanne_gsgamsat » Fri Aug 26, 2011 1:20 pm
GENERAL COMMENTS:
This is a highly unified essay in which the response adequately addresses the quote. A number of issues implied, however, could have been given more depth. A few mechanical errors also need to be addressed.
THOUGHT AND CONTENT:
The title of this essay is clever. The personal experience cited is likewise relevant to the central theme (i.e., the extent of humour vs. ridicule). On the other hand, there are several potential issues left unexplored, which could have made your essay far more logical, extensive, and in-depth.
1. In society's current culture, even the most sensitive subjects are not safe from ridicule and parody. (Paragraph 1, Sentence 3)
This statement needs to be concretely supported so that it would validate your assumption that we indeed presently live in a cruel society.
2. In your first paragraph, key ideas like “sensitive subjects”, “ridicule and parody”, and “the extent of what is comedy” could have been developed into a response that likewise touches on issues such as respect , discrimination, offensiveness, and insensitivity to vital issues. Another possible area worth discussing would be society’s coping mechanism. Do we use humour as an escape or a source of strength? Is a society’s sensitivity (or otherwise) to jokes a reflection of its level of sympathy? When does humour become a voice of truth?
3. In mentioning that you have grown up watching such an offensive cartoon show, did this contribute to your sensitivity or passivity? It would be more reasonable to have established first the factors that contribute in desensitising the present generation from becoming more critical to sensitive social issues.
It is important to remember that ACER assigns personal AND social issues to Task B. While it is most remarkable to draw from a personal experience, and while you have competently done so in this essay, always keep in mind that you should also be able to link it to important social issues. There should have been a significant amount of discussion regarding the social implications of your personal insights in the concluding paragraph.
This is an excellent close though: “It will only be a matter of time before something close to your heart will be taken by the growing 'black hole of comedy’.” Next time, work on constructing a similarly clever statement in opening your essay.
STRUCTURE AND LANGUAGE:
The style and format follows a reflective piece befitting a Task B essay.
Grammatical Corrections:
1. These profound words said by one of the earliest comedians of the 20th century. (Parapgraph 1 Sentence 2)
Correction: This is not a complete sentence.
Suggested Rephrase:
-These profound words [came from] one of the earliest comedians of the 20th century.
-These profound words [have been] said by one of the earliest comedians of the 20th century.
2. As a young adult growing in this [often] cruel society, I am [often] questioning the extent of what is comedy.
Correction: The word “often” is mentioned twice in a single sentence, and thus, sounds redundant.
Suggested Rephrase:
-As a young adult growing in this often cruel society, I am [frequently] questioning the extent of what is comedy.
- As a young adult growing in this often cruel society, I [find myself] starting to question the extent of what is comedy.
3. Taken [in the same frame of mind as] Charlie Chaplin's words, if [something] can be [made fun of], then it will eventually be ridiculed.
Correction: “Made fun of” and “ridicule” mean the same thing.
Suggested Rephrase: Taken within the context of Charlie Chaplin's words, if anything can be taken as a subject of fun, then it will eventually be subject to mockery or humiliation.
4. For a greater part of my childhood,[ i ]have been an avid fan of the cartoon show, South Park. South Park is well known for its risque and offensive [parody type humour].
Rephrase: For a greater part of my childhood,[ I ]have been an avid fan of the cartoon show, South Park. South Park is well known for its risque and offensive [parody type of humour].
5. AID's should be correctly spelled as AIDS.
6. Decades ago, during the initial outbreak of AIDS, such humour would have caused outrage nationwide and [lead] led to the cancellation of South Park.
Correction: The verb “lead” still forms part of the past perfect tense “have caused”. Verbs in the past perfect tense follow "has", "have" and "had", and should be in the past participle form: "led" for "lead".
Suggested Rephrase: Decades ago, during the initial outbreak of AIDS, such humour would have caused outrage nationwide and [led] to the cancellation of South Park.
7. This [lead] to other questions of why the general population sees this as acceptable humour.
Correction: The subject “this” is singular and therefore requires the singular verb form of lead – regularly, with “s”.
Suggested Rephrase: This [leads] to other questions of why the general population sees this as acceptable humour.
8. [Comedy and what is funny] has evolved in great magnitudes since the days of Charlie Chaplin.
Suggestion: You can also use other words for variety: entertainment, mischief, humour, fun, joke, wit.
9. It seems that all issues in our contemporary world [is] being sucked into a vortex of no-limits all out comedy, and people don't seem to care [as much ]before.
Correction: This is a subordinate clause: “that all issues in our contemporary world is being sucked into a vortex of no-limits all out comedy”. Subordinate clauses have subjects and verbs, which must agree in numbers, separate from those of the main sentence. In this case, the subject of the subordinate clause is “all issues”, and thus, calls for the plural verb “are”.
Suggested Rephrase: It seems that all issues in our contemporary world [are] being sucked into a vortex of no-limits all out comedy, and people don't seem to care [as much as ]before.
10. Though it may be hilarious to one person, we must [empathised] for those being ridiculed.
Correction: The verb “empathised” in this sentence should be in the present tense.
Suggested Rephrase: Though it may be hilarious to one person, we must [empathise] for those being ridiculed.
Please continue developing your ability to frame your words in a unique and creative way:
* being sucked into a vortex of no-limits all out comedy
* barely caused a ripple
OTHER COMMENTS AND SUGGESTIONS:
Developing efficiency in your timing will help generate more substance in your essay, as well as deeper insights. Please review the section on the Five Minute, Five Step Plan in the Lessons page in your online account.
SCORE: 51 - 57