Sample Corrected Task B

[gamsatter2011]

Quote Used: “In the end, everything is a gag.” - - Charlie Chaplin

WHAT ‘S SO FUNNY?

"In the end, everything is a gag." These profound words said by one of the earliest comedians of the 20th century. In society's current culture, even the most sensitive subjects are not safe from ridicule and parody. As a young adult growing in this often cruel society, I am often questioning the extent of what is comedy. Taken in the same frame of mind as Charlie Chaplin's words, if something can be made fun of, then it will eventually be ridiculed. However this extreme line of thought left an uneasy impression on me when I least expected it.

For a greater part of my childhood, I have been an avid fan of the cartoon show, South Park. South Park is well known for its risque and offensive parody type humour. In one particular episode, the show satirised the sensitive issue of AID's. Despite laughing at its comical moments, that specific episode left a disturbing afterthought. Would I have found that type of humour entertaining if I was afflicted with the deadly AIDS disease? This lead to other questions of why the general population sees this as acceptable humour. Decades ago, during the initial outbreak of AIDS, such humour would have caused outrage nationwide and lead to the cancellation of South Park. However, in today's society, it barely caused a ripple. It seems that all issues in our contemporary world is being sucked into a vortex of no-limits all out comedy, and people don't seem to care as much before.

Similarly, the show 'Chaser's War on Everything' did a parody sketch on real terminally ill children. This epitomises the idea that nothing is safe from ridicule and parody. Children on their death beds, being ridiculed on national television! Comedy and what is funny has evolved in great magnitudes since the days of Charlie Chaplin. But even then, Chaplin rightly predicted that eventually all issues can and will be subject to satire.

I have come to realise that even though nothing is safe from ridicule, we must keep an open mind on what is an acceptable form of comedy. Though it may be hilarious to one person, we must empathised for those being ridiculed. It will only be a matter of time before something close to your heart will be taken by the growing 'black hole of comedy.'

[jeanne_gsgamsat]

GENERAL COMMENTS:
This is a highly unified essay in which the response adequately addresses the quote. A number of issues implied, however, could have been given more depth. A few mechanical errors also need to be addressed.


THOUGHT AND CONTENT:
The title of this essay is clever. The personal experience cited is likewise relevant to the central theme (i.e., the extent of humour vs. ridicule). On the other hand, there are several potential issues left unexplored, which could have made your essay far more logical, extensive, and in-depth.

1. In society's current culture, even the most sensitive subjects are not safe from ridicule and parody. (Paragraph 1, Sentence 3)

This statement needs to be concretely supported so that it would validate your assumption that we indeed presently live in a cruel society.

2. In your first paragraph, key ideas like “sensitive subjects”, “ridicule and parody”, and “the extent of what is comedy” could have been developed into a response that likewise touches on issues such as respect , discrimination, offensiveness, and insensitivity to vital issues. Another possible area worth discussing would be society’s coping mechanism. Do we use humour as an escape or a source of strength? Is a society’s sensitivity (or otherwise) to jokes a reflection of its level of sympathy? When does humour become a voice of truth?

3. In mentioning that you have grown up watching such an offensive cartoon show, did this contribute to your sensitivity or passivity? It would be more reasonable to have established first the factors that contribute in desensitising the present generation from becoming more critical to sensitive social issues.

It is important to remember that ACER assigns personal AND social issues to Task B. While it is most remarkable to draw from a personal experience, and while you have competently done so in this essay, always keep in mind that you should also be able to link it to important social issues. There should have been a significant amount of discussion regarding the social implications of your personal insights in the concluding paragraph.

This is an excellent close though: “It will only be a matter of time before something close to your heart will be taken by the growing 'black hole of comedy’.” Next time, work on constructing a similarly clever statement in opening your essay.


STRUCTURE AND LANGUAGE:
The style and format follows a reflective piece befitting a Task B essay.

Grammatical Corrections:
1. These profound words said by one of the earliest comedians of the 20th century. (Parapgraph 1 Sentence 2)

Correction: This is not a complete sentence.

Suggested Rephrase:
-These profound words [came from] one of the earliest comedians of the 20th century.
-These profound words [have been] said by one of the earliest comedians of the 20th century.

2. As a young adult growing in this [often] cruel society, I am [often] questioning the extent of what is comedy.

Correction: The word “often” is mentioned twice in a single sentence, and thus, sounds redundant.

Suggested Rephrase:
-As a young adult growing in this often cruel society, I am [frequently] questioning the extent of what is comedy.
- As a young adult growing in this often cruel society, I [find myself] starting to question the extent of what is comedy.

3. Taken [in the same frame of mind as] Charlie Chaplin's words, if [something] can be [made fun of], then it will eventually be ridiculed.

Correction: “Made fun of” and “ridicule” mean the same thing.

Suggested Rephrase: Taken within the context of Charlie Chaplin's words, if anything can be taken as a subject of fun, then it will eventually be subject to mockery or humiliation.

4. For a greater part of my childhood,[ i ]have been an avid fan of the cartoon show, South Park. South Park is well known for its risque and offensive [parody type humour].

Rephrase: For a greater part of my childhood,[ I ]have been an avid fan of the cartoon show, South Park. South Park is well known for its risque and offensive [parody type of humour].

5. AID's should be correctly spelled as AIDS.

6. Decades ago, during the initial outbreak of AIDS, such humour would have caused outrage nationwide and [lead] led to the cancellation of South Park.

Correction: The verb “lead” still forms part of the past perfect tense “have caused”. Verbs in the past perfect tense follow "has", "have" and "had", and should be in the past participle form: "led" for "lead".

Suggested Rephrase: Decades ago, during the initial outbreak of AIDS, such humour would have caused outrage nationwide and [led] to the cancellation of South Park.

7. This [lead] to other questions of why the general population sees this as acceptable humour.

Correction: The subject “this” is singular and therefore requires the singular verb form of lead – regularly, with “s”.

Suggested Rephrase: This [leads] to other questions of why the general population sees this as acceptable humour.

8. [Comedy and what is funny] has evolved in great magnitudes since the days of Charlie Chaplin.

Suggestion: You can also use other words for variety: entertainment, mischief, humour, fun, joke, wit.

9. It seems that all issues in our contemporary world [is] being sucked into a vortex of no-limits all out comedy, and people don't seem to care [as much ]before.

Correction: This is a subordinate clause: “that all issues in our contemporary world is being sucked into a vortex of no-limits all out comedy”. Subordinate clauses have subjects and verbs, which must agree in numbers, separate from those of the main sentence. In this case, the subject of the subordinate clause is “all issues”, and thus, calls for the plural verb “are”.

Suggested Rephrase: It seems that all issues in our contemporary world [are] being sucked into a vortex of no-limits all out comedy, and people don't seem to care [as much as ]before.

10. Though it may be hilarious to one person, we must [empathised] for those being ridiculed.

Correction: The verb “empathised” in this sentence should be in the present tense.

Suggested Rephrase: Though it may be hilarious to one person, we must [empathise] for those being ridiculed.

Please continue developing your ability to frame your words in a unique and creative way:
* being sucked into a vortex of no-limits all out comedy
* barely caused a ripple


OTHER COMMENTS AND SUGGESTIONS:
Developing efficiency in your timing will help generate more substance in your essay, as well as deeper insights. Please review the section on the Five Minute, Five Step Plan in the Lessons page in your online account.

SCORE: 51 - 57

[Saumya12]

Quote: Most paintings in the European tradition was painting the mask. Modern art rejected all that. Our subject matter was the person behind the mask.

When my friend showed our art class her self-portrait, everyone was taken aback. The magic in her painting was the simplistic capture of reality. Her painting, however would not be classified as modern art. Modern art, unlike conventional art is abstract and according to the critics "lacking in skill". Art, in its original, conventional form is done with a lot of skill and captures as much of reality as it can. This has impressed the people for generations as the artist is seen as only a step below the Creator. However, modern art captures a deeper essence of reality and is closer to the mind of the Creator than conventional art. It is easy to paint the face but to capture the whirlpool of emotions behind the face is the aim of a modern artist.

The famous Australian artist, Ben Quilty has been criticised constantly for the over-simplicity of his artwork. His art majorly contains damaged cars painted in thick layers of oil paint. His paintings, according to the critics only succeed in showing the horrors of being in a car crash. Quilty's paintings however, explore the deep dimension of mateship in Australia. Hidden in his works is the exploration of drink-driving, peer pressure and the Australian culture of bonding in males. His art lacks skill present in conventional artworks as he piles oil paint in a very vague representation of reality. Critics view Quilty's art as lacking skill and easily replicated. Quilty, however, has deliberately made the choice to not portray reality as everyone sees it, he chose to display the emotions attached to every death as a result of drink-driving. He chose to present, in a very abstract form, the fun, risk and consequences of alcohol in male culture. In one of his paintings, he chose not to show the victim's enlarged face in skin colour and instead picked purple to capture the victim's reaction to his near-death experience. Modern art is not a lack of skill, it is rather a choice not to display skill in its conventional form to show the inner-depths of reality.

Many people have come to reject modern art by stating it as being incomprehensible. Their argument as Dave Barry stated, is that modern art is beyond their "grasping" ability. It isn't the ambiguity in the art works of modern artists that is putting the audiences off, however. Viewers of modern art are simply not accustomed to the new style but are fully capable of grasping it. Our "fast" generation believes that art should be aesthetic and should contain simple, comprehensible representations of reality. Any effort put into interpreting art is seen as wasted time. Due to the new speed of thought and the desire to have the answer to everything fast, we have lost the ability to interpret emotions. Modern art cannot be comprehended if it is looked at with the urgency to sift its meaning out fast. It requires timely consideration and personal reflection. Sadly however, modern artists have produced deep, meaningful works amidst people who lack time to give it any consideration.

Simple strokes by a child on a paper is also considered as art but will not be termed "great art". We have grown to expect nothing less from artists than near-perfect representations of reality. Art is seen as "great" only if it enables the artist to do what the majority cannot. Although the child's art will be lacking in skill, it will contain more insight and thought than my friend's self-portrait. Skill should not be associated with greatness of art. Modern art is misunderstood, underestimated and just not given enough timely consideration. The famous painting Mona Lisa contained the face as it should be but it is behind Quilty's cathartic paintings that we get to see the true expression of human nature.